can't you tell i'm faking: this air iz so thick &lonely ♥ - 3:58am

i don't know what to write, i guess i just know i should write something. this can only resuly in something short and detached.


i met so many people this week&it has gone so quickly,, it says a lot about sitting alone for days on end.
i start back in college on monday &i can feel my mind flickering different cadences, though most of them are positive ♥ college is so bland&i feel an immediate disinterest towards everyone there- it's a sin!
i always seem to end up in Stephen's Green alone? your mind is a mess when you're nostalgic and hopeful/reading melancholic poetry is slowly obliterating the certainty that i'll ambulate grey concrete for the rest of my life- sitting behind frail stems verging blurs of green. reading dreamy novels about running away ♥
it's 4:28am- maybe next week in college won't be so different afterall?






'Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.'

- Eloisa to Abelard is sickly beautiful.

i lost her train of thought/she lost my mind/she told that girl our entire story in 10minutes.

tonight Jess&I fluttered all over the streets we grew up around. we talked for hours about how everyone we've been to school with is separate&fragmented together at exactly the same time. everything is different.

we sit on concrete. dirty cigarette smoke clambers desperately, racing to lonely warehouse lighting surrounded by four empty, pale walls. and in the cold smiles chatter - while fingers persuasively slither around lukewarm papercups for a weary warmth - teeth whistle. scales of beating footsteps abandon our lull but we talk, still...
i inhale/ everything she says/ seeps in/ like delicate blue/ gradually/ deliberately/...i/our/y meyesss
mirrors shatter in the flames.
i told her what happened, y'know. almost all of it- there's only so long you can listen to it. that and the sound of my own voice is beginning to repulse me? sick.


i haven't written in so long it's as if he language has changed.
but soon, i'll have pictures to add to my days x

playground love - air

the last time i let my eyes get close to you,
my head told them to stop.
my eyes can go where i cannot.
my head stays where i belong.
anarchy. anarchy.

i waited for you to take
yours away from mine.
for it to be safe to look at you
my hands are shaking-
all of this inside me.

don't you know that i can see you in the corner of my eye?
don't you know that i know you can see me?

your eyes like daggers;
you their demon.
mine like keyholes;
i'm their keeper.
letting you look inside.
but you're silent
until you're not.

why don't you start making some noise.

your name is here only once.

moon river

finally,
you have seen
something so disgustingly beautiful
instead of something wonderfully horrible.

the marks on my wrist
the cuts on your heart
the hollow light in the hallway
cleaning up your lonely head.
at last

you would sleep better at home
without;
fingers entwined,
the way the moonlight shines,
heaven so close to harm

and i would soon have to leave;
for fear you would, too.
but
falling away in the dark -
the cold rain to rescue us both -
reckless abandonment
is so much softer when it's accidental.

finally we have some awful nice things
to think.

stay
there, just let me
filter
what's left.
i'm doing all of this
for you.

i wish you'd stop playing your stereo so loud, because your music sucks.

after twentyminutes of nothing;


i'm going on a trip with my sister into town soon. i'm really excited.

writing love on your arms, just one of your many charms

- for you, who couldn't understand.

maybe some people feel like they're supposed to be sad forever. or maybe they feel they belong there - like they have their loyalty to it.
you've tried all the others. and what let downs they are now!

sometimes it's just the way you feel. the way you want to feel. something. anything.
and that's how it makes you feel; you feel good. you feel fucking great!
eyes are attached, consumed, devoured. wondering if this is going to stop. the tiny little blade puncturing the porcelain of your skin, gliding across little blue lines. you are okay.
there's a dreamy quality to it- like you don't really believe it's happening. it couldn't have gotten this far - no, it hasn't. you're just testing it. just seeing what happens. it's just here.
but it's soothing you immediately. i think that's what keeps you going. i think that's what makes you do it.

and then you really feel it. your nerves; they're right there. it's hitting you, what you're doing. it's hitting you. you're forgetting. you're thinking... of something else. this is fantastic?!
that's why you press harder - you're memory is lighter. a little faster, to remember a little slower.

and then it's over.
watching silhouettes trailing, fleeting from your body. escaping down your hand, your fingers, your nails. each one waiting for another to bloom. for a second it looks good.


...oh my god. i'm bleeding.
but 10minutes is a long time for feeling good.

i just love it when you hold the door. . .

new stars look like stale hearts burning;
new feelings... placid. placid. placid.



wishing. fixing. re-do-ing. rushing. running. panicking.
waiting. breathing. fluttering. looking. talking. laughing. slowing. wandering. sinking.
playing. smiling. clicking. wanting. thinking. whispering. staying. letting.
shivering. embracing. kissing. holding. yawning. leaving.
...remembering.


feeling better.
feeling good.