nobody would believe the shit that happens inside my head.

Close your eyes and try count to seven,
And if we die, I'll meet you up in heaven
'Cause you're so beautiful..

I'm coming down from the drugs
and that seems like a sick play that I saw in a theater somewhere.

screaming vomiting whispering facts and memories...of hospitals and jails and wars,

when i think more than i want to think
i do things i never should do.
i drink much more than i ought to drink
because it brings me back you...

an angel has no skin

Cities at night, I feel, contain men who cry in their sleep and then say Nothing.

“I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years,
your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death.”

—Marya Hornbacher

in a bunker underground.

laying in a pool of clean wishes, fragrances dangle in my air.

cool air wades through such thick atmospheres. though, dancing above the water... it has my pale skin spoiled in it's liquid chambers, entwined with colours of barely-there pinks. transparent water, transparent affliction.


my arm leans over one side of my chamber. my fingertips almost hitting the floor.

maybe not.

i drown in my sleep. asphyxiation.

most colours are gone and there is no conversation. and i think the sky could be dwindling? or i am drowning. but i know this all may dissolve.

scarlet blood blooming through smudged pale bandages clamp my neck (tied like a ribbon)(buckled like a belt). pins, needles. constrict and confine.. i can hear them puncture my skin- fragile silences. swirling around this chamber.
i don't notice. i don't care.
the colours are missing from your eyes. though, they still pierce through this colourless dim haze. murky clouds.
like glass, almost. shallow cracks so perfectly entwining, sewing you together. one by one they climb across you and as i i am watching them infect your body... crawling ruthlessly towards an exit they can't find. watching these greedy, brittle legs grow,, you're only a fraying doll that lays idle under the stairs.
they are eager, the parasites that hold your body... they can contaminate every thought. "take me away from here."

my red ribbons play beautiful tricks. &though you hold my mind, they keep my body from me.
a lonely girl twirling. a ballerina in a music box.
we live in cells. not chambers.




we never drown. we wish only we could.

these people dream of mahogany paneled walls lit by chandeliers...not this.

my apathetically twisted cigarettes slumped along that coffee table...barely lit.
pinpricks of orange escape. intolerable thick darkness, our heartbroken silence... is tolerable.
Cigarette smoke flutters an unattainable freedom. my head on your chest, i watch it coax, plead, tremble. seduction is so irretrievable. i can focus on only this: dissipating so delicately into darkness. helpless in isolation, though surrounded. again and again it withers, devoured merely by lonely shadows.
we are alone: isolated. so far removed from everything. there is only one another... and that dissoluble freedom - it dangles around us.

standing. to look at you alone was excruciating pain- the way the fabric hung from your body, your collarbones bursting from your body. you couldn't look less vacant. i couldn't even pry the blue i loved from your eyes. i was lifeless. &I realized, there was so little of us left it didn't matter that i didn't rush out of that room.
undressed: your fingers crawl across my body, until your arms absorb me whole. you adorn me... tarnished. sedated.
i float...and you deteriorate.



i don't hear her complain,
just begging whispers,
"shoot again".