these people dream of mahogany paneled walls lit by chandeliers...not this.

my apathetically twisted cigarettes slumped along that coffee table...barely lit.
pinpricks of orange escape. intolerable thick darkness, our heartbroken silence... is tolerable.
Cigarette smoke flutters an unattainable freedom. my head on your chest, i watch it coax, plead, tremble. seduction is so irretrievable. i can focus on only this: dissipating so delicately into darkness. helpless in isolation, though surrounded. again and again it withers, devoured merely by lonely shadows.
we are alone: isolated. so far removed from everything. there is only one another... and that dissoluble freedom - it dangles around us.

standing. to look at you alone was excruciating pain- the way the fabric hung from your body, your collarbones bursting from your body. you couldn't look less vacant. i couldn't even pry the blue i loved from your eyes. i was lifeless. &I realized, there was so little of us left it didn't matter that i didn't rush out of that room.
undressed: your fingers crawl across my body, until your arms absorb me whole. you adorn me... tarnished. sedated.
i float...and you deteriorate.



i don't hear her complain,
just begging whispers,
"shoot again".

(if) Not Now. Not Ever.

no more breathing time/an ambulance sped.

a lot of the time i wish i could just be quiet and say hardly anything to anyone. staying in rooms like cells... until the silence began to roar at me. i'll write to you and write to you until it's bright, my eyes will gush with water line after line. the sun will drown out my thoughts and my ideas and i'll tremble as they waste. i will write everything down, my guilt, my joy. telling you my lovestories and the pictures i have in my mind.
writhing in loneliness i am searingly happy.


Remember when we found misery
We watched her, watched her spread her wings
And slowly fly around our room
And she asked for your gentle mind

I want to kiss the sickness of mind
My heart without reason
Sunken to deep disappointment.
With a knife
I want to bleed out distress like this.
-Radiohead

you've got such a lot to say in so few words,,,

Fleeing, screaming without a sound, we forgot to stop at the garage, from which the music was still playing. They found her in the front seat, grey-faced and serence holding a cigarette lighter that had burned its coils into her palm. She had escaped in the car just as we expected.
- The Virgin Suicides.

'Tell me that you Love me.', 'I Love you.'

ransom love letters drip
so candidly pouring out in lies - like tar
tangled amoung all this pining
insipid letters of stipulation
fast(ens)
compelling her
virginal mind against pure body.
(an obligation)

in isolation decaying promises rot.
apathetically unrequited,
rendering repetition, as it were.
cradled deeply in an idle coffin
in this deranged hazy light
- oblivion
however twisted. we are happy in here.
drowning silently though violently.
abstracted from normality,
we lay with only four walls
prostitution vs. substitution


One
ran away.
to you.

Two
agreed.
for themselves.


stable, though sedate. this is intolerable.
you finally become a parallax.
dead bodies float through the mo(u)rning air.
...even if i do laugh.

shallow is the way you were born.

A body
no more
no,
less.

hazy/indefinite/burry/trippy\love.

don't hold yourself like that in front of me/

MOMENTS are thick, heavy, dark curtains that fall to the floor. &i want incense- a vile amount of it echoing through midnight air. it's sortof bright in here now,, in a dim sortof way. but the sky looks insane tonight.
you spoke of the stars and the calmness of the rain - i think it's a paradox - but they are connected somehow,, maybe through darkness. you sacrifice everything for a life you think is free.
... i still want to smoke cigarettes with my bedroom windows - a picture frame for moonlight - wide open, my back against the radiator, reading. it's awful trying to keep warm in here.
you're always so cold. but maybe your heart will warm for company, like it does for me.


'I wouldn't want love if I had to beg for it, to barter or qualify it. And I should despise if anyone ever begged for my love. Love is something that must be given - it can't be bought with words or pity, or even reason. I shall never beg you.'
- Valley of The Dolls

Red wine&sleeping pills help me get back to your arms/ cheap sex&sad films help me get back where I belong.

Dear Sir, I have a complaint:
while you make pretty speeches,
i'm being cut to shreds
as your bad day disappears
“i only stick with you
because there are no others”

your eyes are on my wall, your teeth are over there.
your voice is rapping on my window sill-

there are doors that let you in
and out
but never open...
i sat in the cupboard
and wrote it down in neat -
i promise to be good.
won't look in the mirror.
there'll be no more lies.

i get on the train and just stand
now that i don't think of You.
i keep falling over
i keep passing out when i see a face like You.
i'd really like to help you/ You forget so easy.

lay me down
my fake plastic love
kill me again with love,
'cause one day, i'm gonna grow wings,

i can feel death, can see it's beady eyes
our veins are thin &our rivers poisoned.
i've bled and I bleed to please you.
to the shadows blue and red.
but no matter what happens now
you shouldn't be afraid
(today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen)
all the children flew when I touched their hands

heat the pins and stab them in
there's such a chill,
Fifteen blows to the back of your head/
fifteen blows to your mind.
i'll laugh until my head comes off.
nobody wants to be a slave

anyone can play guitar and they won't be
nothing any more.
but my thoughts are misguided and a little naïve...
but I used to fly like Peter Pan.